A Random Kingdom Hearts Parody
by The Torminator
Summary: It's a parody my friend and I came up with one day after almost memorizing the dialog right before battling Riku...so, this is our product of randomness and frustration!
1. Awakening part one

I do not own Disney or Square Soft…I just write the dang parodies…

This actually was something my friend and I came up with a while ago. It was discarded (because we were too lazy to continue it). So, here it is!! And it's new and shinier!!

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Chapter one: Awakening…

"I've been having these weird…WHAT THE FUCK?? I'M FALLING!!" Sora exclaimed as he, well, fell…head first. He landed ungracefully with a loud, THUMP! He gingerly got up and yelled various curses, so horrible, I will not write them.

"Use the analog stick to move forward…" a voice from above demanded.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU??" Sora asked in a loud voice. "ARE YOU MY CONCIANCE??"

"NO!" yelled the voice. "And stop yelling!"

"I know!" Sora said, thinking he got the answer to everyone's problems, when really, he was just being an idiot…"You're Morgan Freeman!!"

"No…I am not…"

"Bill Cosby?"

"Oh just move forward, damn it!!"

Sora obeyed. "Yays! My first two steps!"

"You're an imbecile…" the voice said.

"Imbeculen!!" Sora exclaimed.

"Shut up and choose a weapon!" a sword, a shield, and a wand appeared. Sora ran to the sword. "The power of the warrior…blah, blah, blah…do you choose this?"

"No!" Sora said.

"Well, choose!" the voice demanded. Sora walked over to the shield. "The power of the guardian…etcetera, etcetera…is this what you freaking want?"

"Hells, no!!" Sora exclaimed.

"So you want the wand?" the voice was exasperated.

"Nope!" Sora smiled with pride.

"Then what DO you want??" the voice exclaimed.

"I want a stick!" Sora grinned, happily. "Like Riku has!!"

"A STICK??" the voice was pissed. "NO, YOU DIPSHIT!!"

"Whyyyyy?" Sora whined. "I want it! I want it!"

"You know what? I'm giving you the sword!" The sword appeared in Sora's hand.

"Nooooooo! Mommmeeeee!" Sora exclaimed. "FUCK YOU BILL COSBY! FUCK YOU!! AND GO TO HELL! I WANT MY STICK!!"

"Shut up!" the voice exclaimed. "Now choose a fucking weapon to get rid of!!"

"But…I don't wanna!" Sora whined. The shield disappeared.

"There I did it for you, HAPPY??" the voice said. "Down you go!"

"Huh?" Sora asked, tilting his head. All of a sudden, the platform he was on shattered, yes shattered, and he was falling yet again. He was screaming his ass off. "Save me Bill Cosby! Save me Jesus! Save me Jewish God, or Allah!!" Surprisingly enough, because most of this won't make since anyway, Sora landed gracefully this time.

"Now," the voice continued. "Press 'x' to attack…."

"What in the HELL are you talking about!? This isn't a video game!" Sora exclaimed. He swung his sword anyway.

"There, now that wasn't so hard, now was it?" the voice asked.

"Yes, it was…" Sora said, pouting.

"Oh shut up and look at your HP…see it is a little green gauge," the voice said, satisfied. "Mmmyep…now lookit this!" A Shadow Heartless appeared in front of Sora.

"WTF is THAT??" Sora exclaimed.

"What?" the voice asked. "Are you leet now?? Anyways, just kill the damned thing…"

"I don't wanna!!" Sora whined yet again, because that's what he does…whine his head off…

The Shadow Heartless attacked him. "Owie!! Meanie!" Sora killed the Heartless. "Yay! I did it!! Now gimme a cookie!"

"Nah…mebbe later…" the voice said. A Heartless snuck up behind Sora. "Behind you! Use R1 to lock on!!"

"What ARE you talking about??" Sora exclaimed, attacking the Heartless. "You are insane, Billy boy!!" Soon, Sora was practically surrounded by Heartless. He attacked each one.

"You're doing something right for a change…" the voice said.

"Give! Me! My! Cookie!!" Sora demanded, swinging at what seemed to be an endless stream of Heartless. Soon they turned into darkness on the platform. "Ew…it looks like goop!" Sora leaned in to look at it and fell in. He woke up on yet ANOTHER platform.

"Ew!! It's pink!" Sora said, disgusted. "Riku likes pink…I don't…"

"God, you're like a little bratty child!" the voice exclaimed, frustrated. "Now go to the fucking door!"

"I don't wanna!" Sora said. "Go die Bill Cos- Hey, look! A door! Let's go check it out!"

God, this is taking forever! So, Sora walked up to the door. And…he was unable to open it. A treasure chest appeared.

"Open that treasure chest!!"

"Why are you bossing me around, Bill Cos-" Sora paused. A minute passed by. Two minutes. FIVE minutes. "Hey, look, a treasure chest! Let's go check it out!" He opened the chest and a crate appeared.

"Now push this crate or I'll strangle you!"

"But…hey, look! A crate! I wanna push it! I wanna push it!" So, Sora pushed that damned crate and then destroyed it. Why? I have no idea…anyway. He received a potion for it. And a part of the door appeared. "Woah! Do that again!"

"No…" the voice said. A barrel appeared. "Lock on to this like with the Heartless…"

"Wha's a Heartle- Hey, look! A barrel! I is gonna smash it!!" Sora leaped at the barrel and destroyed it, making the rest of the door appear. "Yays!!" He opened the door and stepped into the light.

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Ahhh….great place to end part one of chapter one. Sorry it's so damned long, but the beginning IS long. And yes, Sora DID become a little whiney brat. You can blame me for that. Half credit of this should go to my friend who is Pants of hell on FanFiction….mmmyep. Byes!


	2. Awakening part two

Woo! Part two of my brain child with Pants of Hell….wait…that doesn't sound right. Oh well. We own nothing, save for the idea. Laugh! Laugh at it! NOW!

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Chapter one, part two: Awakening…

So, Sora stepped into the light of the doorway. You remember that whole thing with the barrel and crate and things. Of course you do! Now, onward we go!

"Ah! It is so blinding!" Sora exclaimed. But, alas, he continued on anyway. He found himself on the island. That weird boat-looking house…thing…

"Yeah…the door isn't open yet…" the voice said. "By the way, Tori, nice way of describing it…'that weird boat-looking house…thing.' REALLY nice."

I'm gonna take that as a compliment and continue.

"Wait…what do you mean the door isn't opened yet??" Sora exclaimed. "There's more I have to do??"

So Sora looked around and noticed that Selphie was sitting on the rope that was on the edge. Sora walked up to her.

"Hey, Selphie, you're gonna fall off…sitting there like that…" he said.

"What's most important to you?" Selphie asked.

"That was random…" Sora answered. "But…BEING NUMBER ONE!! AND CHEESE!"

"Eh…okay…" Selphie said.

Sora saw Wakka and walked over to him. "'Sup?" Sora asked. Because Sora tries to be cool. When we know damn well he's a loser…(A/n: I am making fun of him because it's a parody, I don't hate him.)

"Sora…" Wakka said. "Don't even TRY to be cool…it's fucking scary…anyway. What do you want outta your damn life?"

"TO BE STRONG!!" Sora said right away. "AND CHEESE!!"

"What the fuck, Sora!?" Wakka exclaimed.

FINALLY, Sora made his way to Tidus next. "Tidus…oh, God, no…"

"So…" Tidus said. "I heard u leik mudkipz…"

"What the hell?" Sora asked.

"Oh…wait…wrong script…" Tidus thought. He thought HARD! His head began to hurt from the thinking! "What is your credit sco-MOTHERFUCKER, I'M KILING RIKU FOR THIS!

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??" Sora yelled.

"Sorry…What are you afraid of, bitch?" Tidus asked, finally getting the damned thing right…well, kind of…

"Um…GETTING OLD!! EW!" Sora exclaimed. "But definitely not cheese…"

"You have mental issues…" the voice said.

"Bill Cosby!!" Sora exclaimed. "I missed you!!"

"Anyway…" the voice continued. "You want to be number one. You want to be strong. "You're afraid…of…getting old? Are you serious?? I should be getting paid overtime for this!"

"You forgot the cheese!!" Sora exclaimed.

"Yeah…whatever…" the voice sighed. "Your adventure begins at dawn…blah, blah, blah…ONWARD WE GO!"

Sora found himself on yet another platform. It had a shaft of light raining down.

"Step into the liiiiiigggghhhht!" Riku's voice said.

"RIKU??" Sora exclaimed, looking up. "What are you doing with Bill Cosby??"

"I'm messin' with your head!" Riku said.

"And for the last time," the other voice that Sora has named Bill Cosby if you are dumb enough to not notice… "My name is NOT Bill Cosby! It's Florence!"

"FLORENCE??" Sora exclaimed. He snickered and then burst into laughter.

"No! I said nothing! Nothing!!" Florence yelled. "Hey! Don't use that name while narrating!" The narrator, though you cannot see her, smirked and continued on with the story.

Sora obeyed Riku's voice and stepped into the light. A save point showed up and the light moved to the edge of the platform. It made stairs.

"Woooooaaaaaah!" Sora said. "Do it again! Do it again! DO IT AGAIN!!"

"Stop being such a brat!" the voice named Florence said.

"NO!" Sora said and he RAN up the stairs. Of course, such acts would result in the slipping of one's foot. Then one would fall face first onto the stairs. This is exactly what Sora did. "OW!" But, being the annoying fool he is, continued running and fell about eight times before he made it to the top. Yes, he really is an idiot…

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Since it is getting longer than I expected, I am making a third part and ending part two here! R&R please! w


	3. The Shadow

I decided to go on with this, after reading my previous chapter…this one will definitely be shorter…

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Chapter two: The Shadow

"Ow!" Sora fell for the last time, finally reaching the top. "Hey…this platform thingy's yellow…"

"Way to state the obvious, dumbass…" the voice from above sighed.

"Voice of GOD!!" Sora pointed up at the darkness. "Or Florence…"

"Shut the hell up…" the voice growled.

Sora shrugged and began walking forward. Suddenly, a shaft of light appeared. Sora smiled.

"Yes! This means I'm about to wake up!" Sora leaped in the air ecstatically.

"Yes…wait. How do you know that?"

"This isn't the first time I had a dream that ended in a shaft of light…" Sora began walking forward again.

"Hm…yes, well…the closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes…"

Sora blinked. "You like to be dramatic, don't you?" Sora turned around. His shadow came to life and stood up. "Woah! Bill Cosby, you see that? Now I can have a twin! Oh think of all the people we'll annoy!"

"Oh…no…" the voice sounded scared. "ONE of you is enough!" Magic happened and the Sora shadow turned into a giant Heartless. "Much better…"

"Holy fuck!" Sora leaped back in surprise.

"But don't be afraid…"

Sora screamed.

"And don't forget…"

Sora began crying. He turned to run, but almost fell off the platform. "Meep!"

The voice was silent.

"Hey, voice!" Sora yelled. "What am I supposed to not forget? Hellooooo? Oh shit. This is a boss battle, isn't it?" Sora readied himself, facing the giant Heartless.

"The only thing you'll get right now is a gruesome deeeeaaaath…" the Heartless bellowed.

Sora laughed, "Yeah right!"

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There you have it! For a while, Sora's going to be serious. Yeah I know, I'm scared too. But there will actually be some other serious moments as well…

Review please! Or Sora will attack you! XD


	4. The Battle in Dreamland

I'm going to do as many chapters of this as I can right now. I am in the mood for some funny Sora moments. Although…this chapter IS serious…kind of…

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Chapter three: A Battle in Dreamland…

Sora stared down the giant Heartless. (For the life of me, I can't remember what it's called…) He tightened his grip on the sword and charged.

"Since it's the closest thing," Sora said to no one in particular, "and because nothing makes since right now, I'll attack the hands!" He slashed at the left hand of the fiend, just as the Heartless began charging power in its right hand.

The right hand full of dark energy, the Heartless balled up his fist and slammed it on the ground. Sora saw it as an opportunity to attack THAT hand. The area on the ground surrounding the hand was covered by the dark energy and a swarm of Shadow Heartless, which from now on will only be referred to as Shadows, surrounded Sora.

"Hey!" Sora exclaimed, whacking a few. "That's unfair!"

The hand was lifted and the dark energy slowly disappeared. Sora continued his assault on the hand. However, the monstrous creature began shooting orbs of dark energy out of the cavity in its chest. Sora was hit by all the orbs that were shot, they were homing in on him.

"You bitch, Heartless!" Sora flinched. "This is MY dream! I'M the winner here!"

Sora went all out on the hands.

The giant Heartless became dizzy. Sora's sword disappeared.

"Hey! What gives??"

The Heartless slammed a fist in front of Sora, who jumped back. He slammed the other one down, causing my controller to vibrate violently on my desk…and also causing the ground to shake. The Heartless's yellow, glowing eyes shot glares at Sora. Dark matter surrounded Sora, who had fallen down.

"Oh, no!" Sora cried. "The black and purple goop returns!!"

" ---- But…don't be afraid…" the voice repeated.

"Hey! You're back, Voice-from-the-heavens Bill Cosby Florence!" Sora grinned. "BUT I'M ALREADY FRIGHTENED OUT OF MY MIND!" He began to scream.

The darkness began to swallow Sora up. He began having troubles at breathing.

"You hold the mightiest weapon of all."

"But I only own a measly wooden sword…" Sora managed to choke out.

"And don't forget:

You are the one…who will open the door…"

"What? A door?" Sora disappeared under the black goop…I mean darkness.

"Oh shit!" the voice exclaimed after Sora was gone. "I forgot to tell him about the Keyblade!!"

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The end!! X3


	5. Welcome to the Isles

Woo! Moving along! Guess I'll tell you now to get it outta my mind: the way I do this is I actually play through the game while typing. So, if there are long lapses where I don't update, I'm either A: not in the mood to play the game; or B: I'm stuck, which will most likely happen towards the end…damn you Riku…

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Chapter four: Welcome to the Isles…

Sora woke up, dizzy and sat up to look at the ocean before him. He yawned and laid back down. Kairi looked at him from above.

"Holy-!" Sora exclaimed, sitting up out of surprise. Kairi laughed. "Hey! Stop it, you beotch!"

"Sora, you lazy bastard," Kairi smirked. "I knew you'd be slacking off down here!"

"Wait…are you stalking me?"

"Aren't I always?"

"Oh, yeah…anyway. I wasn't asleep! This huge black THING swallowed me up! I couldn't BREATHE, Kairi! BREEEEEEEAAATHE!!"

"Snap out of it!" Kairi hit him on the head.

"Owieeeeee!" Sora rubbed his head.

"Stop dreaming…"

"It was NOT a dream! I think…"

"Psycho…"

"What about you? You can't even remember your hometown!!"

"Yeah, what of it??" Kairi walked towards the ocean, all mysterious like.

"Hey!" a voice called from behind them. "Why is it that I'M the only one working on the raft?? HUH? HUUUUH??"

"Cause you are my slave and Sora is a whimp…" Kairi smiled.

Riku threw the large log he was carrying at Sora. Sora glared at him.

"RACE YOU!" Kairi exclaimed. The two boys ran off. Kairi ran too, but she's slow and laughs weird, so she lost anyway.

"Oh…" Sora said as something occurred to him. "This place is called Destiny Islands…"

"Sora," Riku sighed, "you're a dumbass…"

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I'm done for now…the funny kind of went away in this chapter…


End file.
